Becoming Unoffendable
How Love, Curiosity, and Truth Keep Relationships Intact
Courageous Conversations Study Guide
Episode Overview
In this foundational episode, Gary and Ray explore the concept of becoming "unoffendable" in relationships—especially across racial, cultural, and political divides. Drawing from personal experiences and biblical principles, they discuss how choosing not to take offense can transform conversations and preserve relationships that matter most.
Key Themes
1. The Problem with Offense
Our culture's default response to disagreement is often immediate offense
We tend to extrapolate from one statement to character judgments ("you always...")
The need to be "right" often destroys the possibility of genuine dialogue
Christians sometimes hide behind "righteous anger" while missing the biblical truth that "man's anger does not work out the righteousness of God"
2. The Johari Window
Gary introduces this framework showing four quadrants of knowledge:
Things we both know
Things I know that you don't
Things you know that I don't
Things neither of us knows
Key insight: Three-fourths of everything involves some element of the unknown—humility should be our default posture.
3. Three Commitments for Unoffendable Relationships
a) Commitment to Truth
Seek truth together without making it your job to change the other person's mind
Be willing to verify information rather than accepting it at face value
Recognize that misinformation is rampant—check sources together
b) Commitment to Relationship
Decide ahead of time that the relationship is more important than being right
Value the person over winning the argument
As one pastor partnership demonstrated: "We decided we would seek after the truth, but not at the expense of our relationship"
c) Commitment to Learning
Become "lovers of people and learners about life"
Replace "I disagree" with "Tell me more about that"
Ask questions from genuine curiosity rather than preparing your rebuttal
Practical Applications
The "Tell Me More" Approach
When someone says something that strikes you as wrong or offensive:
Resist the urge to immediately correct or disagree
Ask: "Tell me more about that" or "Help me understand your perspective"
Listen to understand, not to respond
Reflect before reacting
Avoiding the "End Zone"
State your honest response without taking it to extremes
"I don't know if I understand that" vs. "You always think that way"
Leave room for the other person to clarify or apologize
Don't make every disagreement a character judgment
The Repair Conversation
Gary suggests reaching out to someone with whom a conversation ended awkwardly:
"The last time we talked, it ended awkwardly. Can I just say that I'm sorry for my part of that, and I really value you as a friend, and I'm willing to try again. I wonder if we could repair what we had, because I thought it was really good and I don't want to lose it."
Real-World Examples
The Charlie Kirk Case Study
The hosts discuss how this situation created division even in churches:
People made Kirk either an "angel or a devil" rather than seeing nuance
Some couldn't hear legitimate concerns about offensive statements
Others couldn't acknowledge any positive aspects
The key failure: inability to hold complexity and maintain relationships
The George Floyd Memorial Visit
Gary shares meeting a Salvation Army chaplain who knew George Floyd personally:
The chaplain's firsthand knowledge provided nuance missing from media coverage
Floyd was described as someone who "loved God" and was "on a search to grow"
He also struggled with addiction—both things could be true
Lesson: Firsthand knowledge beats secondhand media narratives
The Failed City Meeting
Gary describes a meeting where:
One group felt legitimately left out of planning
Instead of stopping at "we feel left out," they went to "this always happens"
The presenting group then felt their work was unappreciated
The meeting ground to a halt and never reconvened
What could have worked: Stating the truth without accusation, leaving room for apology and repair
Discussion Questions
Personal Reflection: Think of a recent conversation where you felt offended. How might it have gone differently if you had chosen to be "unoffendable"?
The Johari Window: How does recognizing that "three-fourths of everything involves the unknown" change your approach to disagreements?
Relationship Inventory: Is there a relationship you need to repair? What would it look like to reach out with humility and a commitment to restoration?
Truth vs. Relationship: Have you ever sacrificed a relationship for the sake of "being right"? Looking back, was it worth it?
Media Consumption: How much of your understanding of controversial issues comes from firsthand knowledge vs. media narratives? How can you seek more nuanced understanding?
The "Tell Me More" Practice: Choose one conversation this week where you'll practice asking "tell me more" instead of immediately disagreeing. What did you learn?
Righteous Anger: When have you justified anger as "righteous" when it might have been ego, control, or the need to be right?
Preventive Measures: Ray suggests proactively telling a friend "nothing's going to separate us." Who in your life needs to hear that commitment?
Biblical Foundations
James 1:19-20 - "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires."
Proverbs 18:2 - "Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions."
Proverbs 18:13 - "To answer before listening—that is folly and shame."
Philippians 2:3-4 - "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."
Action Steps
This Week:
Identify one relationship that has become strained and consider reaching out
Practice the "tell me more" approach in at least one conversation
Before reacting to something you see on social media, pause and verify the information
Reflect on the Johari Window—what might you not know about a situation you feel certain about?
This Month:
Have a conversation with someone you disagree with politically or culturally, using the three commitments (truth, relationship, learning)
Identify areas where you've been operating from secondhand information and seek firsthand knowledge
Make a "bulletproof relationship" commitment with someone important to you
Ongoing:
Before every potentially difficult conversation, remind yourself: "I choose to be unoffendable"
Replace the need to be right with curiosity to learn
Value people over positions
Quotes to Remember
"What if we truly could become unoffendable? And then what would be the benefits of that?"
"We decided that we would seek after the truth, but not at the expense of our relationship."
"It's not my job to try and change your mind. We're gonna seek the truth, and if you change your mind, that'll be through your own reflection."
"I want to let you be you. I want you to be the best you you can be. I don't need you to be a clone of me."
"By determining to be unoffendable, we're basically saying we're committed to repair, we're committed to restore, we're committed to try again until we can get to a better place."
"A white nationalist and a Klan member could get together, use these tools, and still be in a relationship." (History has proven this true)
For Further Reflection
The Ray Jarrett Story: Ray shares about his college friend Lee Rowland, with whom he had "vigorous debates" and held opinions he now looks back on with embarrassment. Lee's response: "You're my crazy friend." Thirty years later, they're still friends because the relationship was always more important than being right.
Question: What does it say about us when someone can look back on our relationship and remember grace rather than judgment, even when we were wrong?
